Chipster's Blogs

Here I sit alone In a hugh house with no food or money, it's raining out now and it looks like we have a few more days of it. Why Is it rain makes one depressed, Is It that we are confind to the house to stay dry or that it's dark and ugly out?? Just awhile ago I was happy I didn't care that I have no food or my bills aren't paid, I had no worries what so ever till just a few minutes ago. What is It about being depressed one minute and thinking suicide the next?? As i sit here all kinds of things are running through my head, things I've thought of before, ways I can stop the pain In my head as well as the rest of me, ways to end it all once and for all. I really could use my theropist right about now but I know that Is out of the question as I can only talk to him, one on one but that cost money and I'm flat broke. The urge to do harm to myself passes one minute and comes right back the next, should I throw myself down 15 steps and see what happens or stand out In traffic and see what could possible hit me, Maybe a 18 wheeler. Then as If someone flicks a switch no more thoughts, happy thoughts remembering my son and what he looks like wondering what he's doing at this very moment. Then back again, is someone or something controlling me and my thoughts?? Right now as I type this very second I have 2 options and you can guess what they are, Live or die and right now I'm fighting to live, to continue to live for as long as possible.

I'm crying now as I know that I just came close again thinking of my son wondering what he would think of his dad for taking his own life, what he will go through In the years to follow and what I would miss as he grows to be a man, things like teaching him to drive and going out for his 1st beer when he's old enough legally or to see him finish school and college and to see him get married to the woman of his dreams. I think I want to live, now can someone remove that OTHER switch.